I wasn’t going to post anything until I was fully prepared with an actual essay so I could go with the theme of the blog but figured what the heck…so here I am again. I think it’s better to get started and not dily-daly any longer. This blog has been a thought in my head and a work in progress since 2018; the idea of writing has been in my head for even longer. I took a creative writing class…..huh, about 10 years ago now and have been taking writing seminars at work for grammar, clear language and another thing I don’t remember right now. So it’s obvious I have to do the actual writing bit. I started thinking of ideas to write about again and will review previous ideas I’ve had.
I think for a while I wasn’t inspired because of fear. I read somewhere that fear stops us from being creative and I’m pretty sure that is what happened to me. I stopped my creativity during the past few years because of fear. You see I’ve been living with an autoimmune condition that changed my plans in life. Not that I had too many plans after accomplishing my goals, which were pretty humble, getting a degree, buying a house, having a good job and a happy family. The apartment with big windows and job in the city were bonuses…these were dreams I had as a child. We sold the house and moved to the city because we were all commuting here so why not live here; it makes sense.
Anyway, I realize now that I was at a standstill and just going with the day to day. I was depressed a few years back and finally got out of it slowly. I was depressed because the auto immune condition changed my life in a very physical way. I’m not as bad as other people with my illness but I live with pain daily and it makes it difficult to be an A-type. I can’t do the zillion things I was used to doing. When I was depressed it got so bad that I was scaring myself. I’m usually a very upbeat positive person and that person was not around. I was not being myself, that’s when I realized I was depressed.
I decided that I needed to get out of it. I had been to therapy for a few weeks because of an incident and was advised to seek therapy. It was an embarrassing moment that I will post about another day. The therapist told me I had the tools and a good mindset so he felt confident that I would get out of the depression. I guess acknowledging the depression helped as did figuring out that all the “should’s” that I thought I should be doing was silly.
Now after coming out of the depression, I finally feel like myself again and even though I’m still in pain daily, I will not allow the illness to change who I am. I’m also exploring my upbringing and the past to see what else has blocked me from my creativity….but that’s for another post.